The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
🔦🌙👣
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body