When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself