I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I’ll be mad as hell!
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it