me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Interior design 👌
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes