Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order