Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
brian had himself a morning…
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?