I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.