Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!