“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone