*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hello, my name is Pierre.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again