Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
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When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years