I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
i want to work in this restaurant
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.