Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.