Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
as is their right
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?