The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that