If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena