Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
she has a point
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.