The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
You Might Also Like
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
What kind of a cult is this?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
23. the denim jacket
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft