REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣