wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
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Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago