Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
This kinda thing happens to me often
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.