Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Happy Star Wars day!
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what