Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
scrabbled eggs
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?