Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you