HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan