I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I put the mess in domestic.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?