A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.