Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]