Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.