Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
You Might Also Like
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress