A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.