I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.