Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite