I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Need this in my life lol
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
knights of the ikea table
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?