Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.