I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology