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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
m’lady
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.