I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.