Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
pls suprot
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires