Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.