DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked