Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Seems a bit forward
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?