my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
dogs can find happiness so easily
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
DOOO EEEET
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.