Succinctly put.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
New mindset, who dis?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.