Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG