Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Best table by far
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁