*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee