I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
They’re really bad with fonts.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
a public service announcement
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.