So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
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Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
had to make it
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.