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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
🌱🌱🌱
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done